#I hate how I feel like I’ll never be satisfied with my art

[creativity-deficient]

Vent in tags-

[mars-ipan]

grins

see kelper here’s the thing: you can tell priest au!hajime to run all you want but… run??? from Father Komaeda??? if he runs from the house of God will he not simply be running into the arms of the devil? Father Komaeda is going to Fix him, he swore he would. he’s leading him to the light, he’s going to free him from his sin. hajime just has to try harder, but Father Komaeda believes in him. he can’t disappoint the only person who’s ever seen him for the vile thing he is and forgiven him. what would he do without him? he can’t absolve himself of sin on his own, he needs Father Komaeda to assist him in resisting temptation. after years of running from his shame, he’s finally brave enough to face it head on, to see the light of God and be washed of his impurities. don’t you see? God is good. this is good.

yeah he’s um. not leaving that church anytime soon

i am sat here in horror and fear and i am deeply scared of you my brother in christ this IS the spooky mormon hell dream

[igotanidea]

Rom-com, doubts and older brother complex : Dick Grayson x sister!reader

„Hey you, how was the movie?” Dick grinned with the brightest smile upon seeing his sister back from the cinema. Said sister however was far from being happy. “Y/N?”

“Yes? I mean, yes, sure, hi Dickie. It was fine, I guess.”

“Oh no.” he muttered

“What?”

“You got that face.”

“What face?!” involuntarily she glanced at the mirror just to check whether her older brother was serious or just trying to prank her.

“Please tell me you are not psychoanalyzing the movie.”

“Psycho…..? What? Me? Pfff, never.” She scoffed

“Mhm. Sure.”

“I’m sorry, what is your problem here, Grayson?” Y/N crossed her arms over her chest in annoyance. “Honestly I came home hoping for some peace and quiet and I feel so attacked right now.”

“Are you doing this… what was it called….?” Dick scratched his head searching for the right word “watcher insert!”

“IT’S READER INSERT!”

“Well, it was a movie, so definitely watcher insert. And you practically admitted you do.”

“I DID NOT SAY A THING LIKE THAT!”

“You didn’t have to. Like I said, you got that face.” He shrugged, absolutely not convinced and unimpressed by her yelling.

“Ugh! You are insufferable!”

“Part of my charm, you know that. Now come on, come sit here and tell me what got you spinning, huh? As a big brother…..”

“Please, spare me the talk about oldest sibling and all the duties that come with it. I can handle my own shit.” She hesitantly perched on the armrest of the sofa, but Dick was not satisfied with that and grabbed her by the waist pulling next to him.

“Come on, sis, don’t be stubborn” he pinched her stomach getting a slap on the hand in exchange “that hurt.”

“Serves you well!”

“Ok, I’ll stop. Jokes aside. Get out of that head of yours and walk me through it ‘cause I don’t get it. You went to the movie theatre to have some fun ….unlike someone we know….. and came back stuck in thinking and, let me put it simply, melancholic. Not really a normal reaction after a young adult movie. It’s young adult, right?” he frowned

“You got that one right.” She sighed “I … I don’t really know. I mean, this movie was as cliché as possible and only confirm my belief that it’s not for me.”

“How come?”

“You know… nice girl, A-grade student, not knowing the bad side of life changes the surrounding, most likely moves out of the small town.  And in the city, she meets a guy, a well-known trouble-maker and more often than not, a womanizer. Of course, she swears she wants nothing to do with him but after an hour or so, couple of fights and few misunderstanding they end up together, most likely in a X-rated scene. And after another half hour, some family drama or demons from the past emerges, but all ends well and you get those fucking singing birds, shining sun, doves and all that shit. I’m so too old for that. And I think I’m starting to get bored with such films.”

“Are you?” he looked at her carefully, voice turning soft not to startle her.

“Yes.” She made a face at him

“Y/n. You say you hate it, but …”

“Don’t you dare say it!” she jumped on the couch and jabbed his chest “Don’t. You. Dare.”

“I won’t. I’ll leave that to you. Come on, say it out loud so we can process that. No one else is here.”

“I’m sorry, since when are you my therapist?”

“Since Bruce provided all his kids with trauma and forgot to equip them with the specialist to fix it. Say it.”

“I wish I have a cliché love story.” She looked down and hid face in hands because of the embarrassment. “But I’m not exactly a material for it.”

“Why not?” Dick asked, grabbing her hands and making him look at her ‘is it because you have four vigilante brothers? That can go well in a movie.” He grinned “I bet Bruce would love a cinematic work of art about himself. Can you imagine the movie “Batman?” Two and a half hours of him brooding on the screen and saving Gotham, all while looking like a sad, tormented cat” he laughed and waved his hands around

“I got this at the manor whenever I want. And when I don’t want as well. So hard pass on that movie, thanks. Jason would love it though. It would give him an opportunity to point out everything wrong with Bruce. And Tim…”

“Nice try, but stop getting off the track. Why do you think you can’t have a love story?”

“Cause I can’t define myself.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Dick’s eyes widened in disbelief “you think you need to put a tag on yourself? My lovely, crazy, irrational, foolish sister…”

“Look Dick, I’m a mess, all right? I can do hundred different things, but cannot excel in one. I start so many projects I don’t finish. I am disorganized, got plenty ideas per minute and it’s extremely hard to keep up with me. I'm stubborn, hot-headed and always need to do things my own way. ”

“So?” he shrugged

“What do you mean by so?" Y/N frowned "I don’t have routine, and apparently I’m supposed to. I’m not the best version of myself, I hate motivational quotes and I’m not sophisticated or elegant or even close to it. Shit, I hate dresses and skirts, my make-up is limited to the most basic one and I don't feel like I'm woman enough.”

“Ok, stop right there.” He cut her off “that last one is bullshit and as for the rest, why in the world would you think that eliminates you?”

“I… It just does.”

“Why?” he insisted

“will you stop this interrogation! Let me remind you, you are not a cop anymore!”

“Old habits die hard.” He blew a raspberry.

“Be a brother Dick. Sock me for wasting your time or hug me, just don’t do this….”

“Do you need a hug?” he asked opening his arms

“Yes, please” she mumbled, diving into his arms and hiding face in his shirt, smelling that familar scent. “This feels nice.”

“Told ya! Oldest brother. Now, since we are taking the comforting approach to the problem… all the things you mentioned are those what makes you, you. All right, pumpkin?” he bopped her nose “you could adopt someone else’s lifestyle, but would you feel better then? Doing all those things that does not seem like they are yours?”

“No…” she muttered

“See? You just keep doing your thing, ok? Cause when you do something that makes you happy, even if it seems like you’re a mess, you’re just glowing and that is what makes you special, you know.”

“Example?”

“You were writing, last night, and you had that focus and spark in your eyes. Nothing but you and your ideas, put in words on the sheet. You were just beaming. That was you. You don’t need to put  a tag on yourself, believe me. It's not a competition or anything.“

"Really?" she pulled back and eyed him, raising one eyebrow "'cause you are absolutely not the one who would join The Bachelor, right?"

"That's irrelevant..." as much as he did not like it, her words made him blush a bit. (did she find that application form he hid under the bed?!)

"Let's agree to disagree" she grinned "I'll importune you for explanation on that matter later. And since we're on the subject, what about....?"

“Do you think me the role model on relationship advice?” he smirked, but a bit of sadness crept in “I made a lot of mistakes and speaking from experience, I can tell you just can’t hurry that. Just keep your mind open?”

"Did you just admit defeat in the romance matter, Dickie?" she mocked.

"Romance? Hell no! Just long-term relation..."

"Don't worry, big brother" she his his shoulder playfully "you keep my secret safe, I keep yours. But still, that’s the worst advice I ever got.”

“Maybe…” he tickled her tummy making poor girl squeal “think Damian would have better one?”

“He’s younger than me, sure as hell I’m not gonna ask him!”

“I’m serious, sis. Once you figure out who you are inside, even if it’s a bit complicated and come to terms with it, everything will fall in place.”

“Still the worst advice ever, but thank you for trying, Dickhead.”

“Doing my best for my little princess.”

“Ugh! Stop calling me that name!”

“You used to like it.”

“I was 7 years old!!”

“All right, fine, hold the fire” Dick raised his hands in surrender “Gosh, for someone who got so much fire inside, you suffer from too little self-value.”

“Four vigilante brothers can do that to a girl.”

“Y/N? I need you to promise me one thing.”

“Shoot.”

“When you get in a relationship you will let me act like big protective brother.”

“You may have to wait a while, but sure, it that’s your dream…”

“How about I play that role in a Nightiwng suit?”

“OVER MY DEAD BODY GRAYSON!”

[zeke-in-devildom]

Dissonance - Chapter 26: Wrathful Hearts

The relief was almost immediate. Zeke felt his shoulders sag slightly the moment the cool Devildom night air hit him, releasing a tension even he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He could still hear the pounding music inside the club, but mercifully his body no longer felt like it vibrated through every one of his frayed nerve endings. The throbbing behind his eyes even subsided into a dull ache. 

It wasn’t a complete respite, however. Taking a deep breath of fresh air caused a twinge of pain in his chest, and before thinking about it Zeke had raised a hand to rub tenderly at the phantom wound that had not yet been sustained. How could possible futures cause him actual pain? Before coming to the Devildom his abilities had certainly caused him plenty of issues, but never like this. All his difficulties had been regulated firmly to his own mind and  the ignorance of the non-magical and mundane aspects of human society. He did not like these new developments.

There had to be a way to control this better.

“Are you alright? Does it hurt?” Satan’s concerned voice reminded him that he needed to keep his head firmly in the here and now. Zeke let his eyes flutter closed, brow furrowing as he brought his focus sharply to the present and away from distant futures that might never come. He used the warmth of the arm around his waist, holding him protectively, to anchor himself to what was real. 

“I’m okay. It’s just the stress of midterms, deadlines, and being outed. I’m exhausted.” All reasonable excuses and all true enough, but Zeke didn’t want to deal with the visions or try to explain them or how they were evolving. A part of him did consider telling Satan just to spite Barbatos and the butler’s warning to keep them to himself. The more reasonable part of him knew that there was no reason to stress or sadden the brothers with something they couldn’t actually help change or control. He would figure this out on his own.

“Excessive stress can cause many troubling symptoms in humans. If your stress has reached a level that you’re in physical pain perhaps we need to find a way to address that. As much as I hate to ask Lucifer for anything, I’m sure he could arrange for your school workload to be reduced if it is causing your physical health to deteriorate.” It was sweet, how attentive and worried Satan could get. 

“It’s fine, Satan. Midterms are over, my publisher has the final draft of my next book, and we can’t really change that everyone knows who I am now. I’m sure I’ll feel better if I just get a little rest.” He had only managed to get one halfway decent night of sleep since before midterms started, and that had only been thanks to Belphie’s intervention.

“Then I will make sure my idiotic brothers don’t bother you with their inane nonsense over the weekend.” It was adorable how very serious Satan could get, and he could appreciate the Avatar of Wrath’s sentiments. The brothers did tend to try to drag him everywhere and include him in everything all of the time. Zeke honestly appreciated that too. Satan himself had taken him to plenty of museums and art galleries since he had arrived. Still, being pulled in so many directions constantly was exhausting.

“My hero.” Zeke let a satisfied smile tug the corners of his mouth upwards as he watched the Avatar of Wrath’s cheeks flush a pretty shade of pink. 

“You’re too cheeky for a human.” Satan huffed, but his hand stayed against Zeke’s lower back as he guided the way back towards the House of Lamentation. For his part, Zeke was more than happy to walk in silence, close enough to feel the heat radiating off the demon beside him. Despite what he had said to Asmo in the club, he couldn’t help but gravitate towards Satan even if he knew it was foolish. Just getting to be this close to him would have to be enough, that was what he told himself, but deep down he knew that was a blatant lie.

He tried to distract himself by observing his surroundings. The lesser demons on the street gave a wide berth to the pair, none wanting to provoke the ire of Satan. Zeke could see the hunger radiating off many of them, they would gladly rip him to pieces in a heartbeat if he wasn’t with one of the brothers. It was a sober reminder that he was a sheep among wolves, helpless without one of his guardians. Except those guardians were also wolves. Every logical thing told him that he didn’t belong here.

Too bad the heart rarely listened to logic. All the visions of the future suggested that he would die sooner rather than later. Even if he lived to be old, it was nothing to them. Why did his gut tell him he was exactly where he was supposed to be when all the evidence was to the contrary? 

Zeke sighed and turned his attention away from the streets and up towards the Devildom sky. He could see the stars so clearly here, there was too much light pollution in the city he lived to actually see the stars in the human world. They reached the gates of the House of Lamentation. There was something particularly enchanting about the Devildom moon. It was hauntingly beautiful. He stopped walking so that he could stare up at it, feeling Satan stop beside him.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” The words left him without his consent, but he couldn’t find it in him to be upset about it either. Did Satan even know the significance of the words? Zeke could tell that the demon had fixed that intense emerald gaze on him, as he did so often when they were together, but he didn’t turn to look at him. He could imagine Levi absolutely losing it if he’d heard it. The otaku would have had a full-on nerd out, if he didn’t blue screen. That was actually an amusing thought. Except that was not something he would have ever said to Levi. Or any of the others for that matter. 

The silence stretched between them. 

“I can die happy.” Zeke felt his heart stutter as Satan’s normally smooth voice came out hushed and a little breathless. Of course Satan would know. Also leave it to Satan to give the most direct response possible. He liked that about him. Even if Zeke couldn’t read auras, he knew that the fourth born was not one to mince his words when it came to his feelings, unlike some of his other brothers. 

A warm hand brushed against his, Zeke finally turning to look at Satan as their fingers intertwined. He was surprised to see the familiar curling black horns of Satan’s demon form. Those green eyes were gleaming, full of starlight as they gazed at him with the softest, most adoring look - one he had thought only reserved for all the stray cats that the demon loved to feed. When something hard and cold curled loosely around his waist Zeke didn’t have to glance down to know that it was Satan’s armor plated tail.

“I’m only human.” They were being illogical. Satan had no good reason to care for him this much.

“I don’t care.” Zeke felt his heart flutter traitorously in his chest as Satan raised his free hand to cup his face tenderly.

“I’m not going to be here very long.” This could never last.

“All the more reason to take advantage of the time we have.” Zeke closed his eyes as he felt Satan press their foreheads together gently, careful of his horns. 

“Fuck it.” The moment he felt Satan’s lips brush against his, the entirety of the three realms faded away. The kiss was perfect. It was tender and sensual, Satan’s lips were warm and surprisingly soft, and they slotted against his like they were made to be there. 

Zeke really was only human, how could he possibly resist the temptation of a demon? Whatever the future might be, right now all he wanted was to be with Satan. Maybe that was selfish when he knew it could only end in tragedy, but he desperately wanted to be selfish this time.

The world came rushing back when the kiss finally ended, Zeke wasn’t sure if it had been a few seconds or a few minutes, but they were both breathing heavily. It was good to know the demon was as affected as he was. He enjoyed how flushed Satan’s handsome face was, and how his pupils were blown wide with desire. There was a sense of pride there, he, a lowly human, had the Avatar of Wrath wanting him.

“Make a pact with me.” The words flew from Zeke’s mouth, like the confession it felt so right that he couldn’t control his own voice. All of the brothers had offered him their pacts, all but Satan, but it was Satan’s he wanted most of all.

Rather than words, his demon responded by moving his hand from Zeke’s jaw to grasp the back of his neck and forcefully pull him back into another, deeper kiss. A low growl rumbled through Satan’s chest, which Zeke was now pressed flush against as his mouth opened, their tongues tangling together. One of his hands had found its way into blond hair, twisting the messy strands between his fingers and giving gentle tugs as he tried to pull Satan impossibly closer.

A shock of infernal magic wove around them, he could feel the now familiar tingle racing across his tongue, his piercing clacking briefly against a sharp fang as a faint coppery taste blended with the tang of demonus that lingered on Satan’s tongue. He felt taloned fingers dig just a little harder into his neck, and realized that the Avatar of Wrath was squeezing over Lucifer’s mark. His heart ached as he realized the jealousy and insecurity that Satan was feeling as Lucifer’s mark had been placed first. Zeke bit the demon’s bottom lip to distract him, which must have worked because the grip on his neck loosened immediately.

Bracing himself for the next part he wondered for only a moment where Satan’s pact mark would etch itself into his flesh. The sudden burning sensation over his heart seemed so obvious in retrospect. That was the only fitting place for the mark of Wrath to sit. He broke the kiss so that he could bury his face against the side of Satan’s neck, sagging against his beautiful demon as the infernal magic dispersed, seemingly taking most of his energy with it. Forging the pacts was always so draining.

Strong arms wrapped around him, holding him close for the time being, both just basking in the afterglow of the kiss and the new pact. Zeke didn’t know exactly how long they stood there, but eventually he felt Satan pull away. He missed how warm he was, but not for long, because suddenly his feet were off the ground as Satan picked him up, cradling him like a princess from one of the demon’s cheesy romance novels. If it was anyone else he’d have been indignant about being carried, but he was feeling just tired and sappy enough to allow it. 

They ended up curled up on one of the library sofas in front of the fireplace, Zeke sprawled out on Satan’s chest while the demon quietly read aloud, holding the book with one hand and gently running the other through Zeke’s hair soothingly until they both eventually fell asleep.

[nonsubstantial]

APRIL 2024 ART FASCINATION DIARY

This is another post about the art that I've been fascinated with this year. I make these posts monthly, so that I can look back and remember all the things that were keeping me happy and inspired! If you are reading this, then I hope it will be somewhat interesting to hear about. First, a collage of my interests this month, then there are descriptions below.

MUSIC / ALBUM I heard about Everything Harmony by The Lemon Twigs because Vinny Vinesauce liked it enough to feature it on his twitch channel four times within this last month. After checking it out, it quickly became a favorite of mine as well. It's inspired by 60's era rock bands like The Beach Boys and The Beatles, and the two brothers in charge of The Lemon Twigs were basically raised from birth to create this kind of music. They're excellent musicians, but I do have a few complaints, mainly that their band is a four person group that started as a two person group, and it shows. The musicians on their drums and backing guitar are unnoticeable most of the time, or even make their music worse when I really focus on the boring repetitive parts that they play in the mix. I think that it would improve things if we heard the other two members’ creativity shine a little more. On a different note, their lyrics also feel kind of hollow to me, sort of like facsimiles of themes that we heard out of the 60’s pop music that they’re inspired by. Maybe the brothers’ odd upbringing is what makes their lyrics feel like nothing more than dreamy imitations of other lyrics, rather than being something written from their own hearts? In any case, their vibe is really bizarre, but despite all my criticisms I did really enjoy this one album from them. (And actually, their new 2024 album is already out! It’s also fantastic, and I’ll talk about it on my May list.)

FANFIC / CREATIVE WRITING I've been working on a long fanfic for fun since last month, and every time I write a new scene for it I'm filled with a sense of creative euphoria for the rest of the day. It's not always perfect, but there's no real pressure to write something good, so it just ends up being an enjoyable outlet for my passions. Even if I never publish anything, being creative and exploring my own imagination is satisfying in itself, and I wish I had the time to do it every day! (HONESTLY, there could and should be time, if only our society actually prioritized taking breaks for mental health and personal wellbeing over making endless amounts of money and increasingly insubstantial products to be consumed by only the luckiest members of our parasitic upper class. I hate our unsympathetic workaholic capitalist culture with every fiber of my being, and wish that I could fucking end it all, but I digress...) Writing is just so fun. And I'll be working on the same projects for another few months, probably, as long as I can keep on keeping up with them.

REALITY GAME SHOW The finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 16 concluded this month, and I thought it was absolutely fantastic. Now that it’s over, we’re starting back from season 1 and we’re going to try to eventually watch it all! (We actually did finish season 1, right before posting this. It was interesting and groundbreaking in its own right, and it introduced me to Tammie Brown, who is now one of my favorite queens. Then, we started season 2 and I’m pretty sure that this is where the show’s bad reputation got its start, because I really can’t stand any of the season 2 contestants. Too bad, but we’ll keep on watching and see how it pans out anyway.) In season 16 though, there was just so much unique creativity and talent on display, and so many jaw dropping ‘holy shit’ moments, that I think it was one of the best things I have ever watched. It had the hypest final lip sync battle I ever could have imagined, and I had no idea which way it was going to end. In whole, I feel like the show was a wonderful watch, and I’m glad that our friends convinced us to give it a shot.

LIVE THEATER MUSICAL My partner and I were given a gift card to our local theater last year, so we finally used it to go see a live production of Annie! We don't live in a place where live musicals are very common, and I actually hadn’t seen any since highschool, so we had to make plans very early in the year to go watch it. And after having done so, I can say for certain that there is a unique magic to watching a live theater performance. I’m surprised that it was all performed so perfectly, even with children and a dog on stage, and remarkably, it sounded better than any recording I could find online before or after the event. It was so incredible all around that it totally transported me into a unique creative headspace. There were people of all ages there, some dressed up, some appearing more casual, but the atmosphere was delightful and jovial all around. I’m not going to comment about what was or wasn’t problematic about Annie; it’s not really that deep and you can probably figure that out on your own. But I will say that the magic of a live performance depends entirely on the energy in its room, and I was totally swept away by this experience. Without the discount, it would have been very pricey though, so I’m hoping that we can put away a little money to see a different live musical next year.

BOOK / AUDIOBOOK About a month and a half ago, I started Leo Tolstoy's epic work of historical fiction, War And Peace. I love a book that I can get completely lost in, and War and Peace is one of those books. I made it about 1/4th of the way through it this month, and even though it started slow, I’m now sure that it’s going to be an all time favorite. I read Anna Karenina years ago, and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I expected to like this one too, but there was still a sort of learning curve to overcome at the start. After over a month of engaging with it, I feel like I’ve finally gotten over its barrier to entry, and now I’m picking up the pace. Most people have heard of this book before, so let me tell you that its high-sounding title is no false advertisement. It’s a Russian slice of life book set during the Napoleonic Wars, dealing with a huge assemblage of political and philosophical conflicts, and it will have you exasperatedly crying “time is a flat circle!” as you realize that humans today have nearly the same brains and political interests that they had over 200 years ago. It is already a masterpiece, in my opinion, and I’m going to be reading this book for the entire month of May also, so that’s something to look forward to. If you’re interested in checking out an audiobook, I’m also listening to the Maude translation, narrated by Neville Jason, and I think it’s quite good! (That's it for April! But we're already a few weeks into May, so expect more Lemon Twigs and more War And Peace. Thank you for caring about me, and I hope you have a good day! ♡)

[utilitycaster]

I feel like something so many ppl just don’t get is it’s improv. I’ll see ppl be like “I hate this arc” or “this dragged on” I’m like?? If you want to watch a curated tight fantasy story with a normal beginning middle and end maybe don’t watch long form improv media? Also maybe I’m just fundamentally misunderstanding what ur post is about. I’ll constantly think and say “it’s their game” not as a “they’re above criticism” way but more in a “cmon it’s not like this is a script that’s being poured over by ten ppl sitting in a room debating whether this 30 seconds drags or not”. Like I love Play it By Ear from Dropout but I’d never hold it to the same standard as like Six the musical or whatever. Improv/normal media requires a completely different rule set for criticism imo

Hey anon,

So here's the thing - I agree with this in terms of formal, published criticism (Ebert's Law, if you will) where you are, to an extent, grading on a scale; you should be judging on what the work is trying to achieve and not some abstract ideal that applies equally to all works regardless of provenance.

However, for personal discussion (including your own personal Tumblr blog)? This is totally irrelevant. You're allowed to dislike things, whether it's a 30 minute improvised musical or whether it's the Marriage of Figaro, for any reason. It is 100% valid for someone to look at the Mona Lisa and say "eh, doesn't do it for me," and, moreover, it's just as valid for them to say "it doesn't do it for me because I don't care for representative art and prefer abstract, modern works, but Da Vinci's sfumato technique is indeed masterful" as to say "It doesn't do it for me because it's fucking weird to me that she doesn't have eyebrows." People's enjoyment of a work is not necessarily reliant on effort put in or how much the artist cares about - it should be based on how much the art appeals to them.

It's fine if people hate an arc. If they hate it so much that they aren't able to enjoy watching, then I think they should probably stop watching...but that's a choice for them to make, and as someone who loves complaining, I've talked about arcs dragging and had it interpreted by total strangers as "you clearly seem to hate this" when really it was just a case of me...not liking some aspects of a larger whole, and choosing to talk about that because I had things to say. Like, I do think the early Campaign 3 pacing was deeply frustrating, and I do think that this wouldn't be the case if it weren't improv, but there have been many improv actual plays that I felt had great pacing, and also it was still frustrating to me and I wanted to express that.

In fact, what I was getting at in my post is that if you're trying to provide a counterpoint to other people's criticism, you need to focus on the points they're making; and if you're trying to defend something in general, you need to be talking about what you find good that is specific to that thing, rather than making excuses like "the cast likes it" or "it's improv".

To give an example: I love the Aeor arc, which was, to an extent, divisive. Here's two responses I could have:

"I think the Aeor arc built up to a satisfying and emotionally charged final boss fight that was thematically resonant with the Mighty Nein as a group. I think the path there had a good balance of adventure, combat, and RP scenes, especially given its position as the final arc of the campaign and the one in which many of the character romances were realized. Eiselcross was a fun and well-crafted environment that was challenging for a party of their level, and Aeor provided new insight into the Calamity, which at the time had not been explored in depth, while also providing a lot of opportunities to tie into the arcs of the various individual characters, notably Caleb and Caduceus. I also personally am a big fan of exploring fallen technologically advanced civilizations in a fantasy setting as a trope."

2. "Well, it's the cast's table, and it's improvised."

Both are true, but the first one lets people know what I see in that arc and why I love it. The second one ends the conversation, is true of almost everything Critical Role does, probably doesn't address anyone else's complaints, and doesn't even explain why I like it. And for what it's worth I don't think meta needs to address anyone's complaints - you're allowed to look at the Aeor arc and say "cool, I think it took too long and dragged and was too stressful" and we can part ways knowing we are different people with different tastes. But if I were, hypothetically, passionately trying to defend the Aeor arc and were openly resentful towards people who disliked it, the first option is obviously superior to the second option, which makes me look like someone who cannot come up with a single specific reason why this thing I allegedly love is good, and who is whining because I lack the maturity to accept that my opinions are not universally shared by all.

[finrays]

Horizon Tag Game?

Stole this one from @foibles-fables

1.ride or die ship (your otp): It may be abnormal, but I don’t really ship things except in like… an offhanded “Oh that might be cute” kind of way. Just not what comes into my head when I consume media. I’ve never been ride or die for a ship in my life.

2. most annoying ship: The Odyssey, because it brought the Zeniths back

3. second favourite ship: The one that rammed the Horus off of San Francisco

4. favourite platonic relationship: NOW we’re speaking my language; these games are SO GOOD about friendships, it’s hard to pick just one. I could talk about ALL of them for DAYS.

But I’ll focus in on one; I absolutely LOVE the Erend-Varl dynamic. They have such a feeling of “We’re both smart, capable men but when we’re together, we just discard all our brain cells and do stupid shit for fun,” and they both SORELY need it, I love it so much. And! They also have good talks about their feelings; Erend specifically mentions sitting down with Varl and having a beer and a good talk, and I love the shit out of it.

5. underrated ship: That’s all the ships I know of in this game… maybe there will be others in H3? The Skiff from Burning Shores is pretty fun, even if there ARE Waterwings that outclass it.

6. overrated ship: The ones that foundered on the way from the Quen homeland, probably, I bet they hyped those fuckers up and then they SANK the minute they hit a typhoon. Shameful.

7. one thing i would change in canon: So fucking much. I’ve written numerous posts about this before. And the cheap answer would be my ecology rants, lol. But…

I think I’m with Foibs on this one; Zeniths as the ultimate antagonists of H3. Imagine spending the entire time in FW learning about the Claw-Back. About how the world was reeled back from the brink of ecological collapse. And imagine, sprinkled throughout, we have the voices of the people who are currently returning on the Odyssey; Gerard, standing in the way of a coastal restoration project, because he could make money off of beachfront condos. Erik, being called in to break up a protest with vicious efficiency. Walter, being nonchalant about the radiation his rockets produce. All these people, putting selfishness and profit above people and planet. We get a chance to really dig our teeth into hating them for a reason. There are bits and pieces of this in the Canon As is of FW, but you have to HUNT them down. Imagine these people being front and center.

And then imagine we finally see the Zeniths at the end of the game. And we realize with a start…

…we’ve heard their voices before.

Thematically, the 1% coming back to take the planet after the hard work of restoring it is done, and Aloy and Co putting down their feet and going “NO” is much more satisfying a narrative to me than “Oh noooo, there’s a Big Bad AI coming” but I’m not in charge of the writing, I’m counting fish halfway across the world. So.

8. something canon did right: I’m literally spitting down HFW’s throat for this. I’m slamming its face into a bench covered in wet paint. I make NO apologies whatsoever for this brand of criticism because it’s one of my Pet Soapbox Issues. The ecology stuff is just for fun. This is Serious Times.

But the first game NAILED their scientist characters. All of them felt so much like people I’ve met in the field. Which is to say, HUMAN people, driven by passion, hope, fear, EMOTION. They really, really did well with it.

And then totally threw it out the window in the second game, but that’s another rant entirely.

9. a thing i'm proud of creating for the fandom PLEASE BRAG ABOUT YOURSELF I WANT TO SEE/READ YOUR ART: Here’s my AO3 if you want it.

10. a character who is perfect to me (wouldn't change a thing): I… don’t have one, actually. Even the characters I love dearly were, I think, mishandled in many ways that I don’t agree with. I think Alva comes closest. But even she, I have some notes for, as far as gameplay/story separation goes… they could have done a better job with everyone.

11. the character i relate to the most and why: Elisabet. 100%. She’s my favorite for a reason. When I was 16, I decided on my career trajectory for similar reasons to hers; I wanted to help. I wanted to make the world a better place. To see that actually represented in a character focused in the sciences is… shockingly rare. Additionally? Our personalities ended up being fairly similar as well. High anxiety, very strongly introverted, cares deeply but has weird/nonstandard ways of showing it, trouble connecting with people… I really feel like this is the closest I’ve seen to seeing myself represented onscreen, and it’s in a positive light this time! Mostly! I love it and I love her so much.

12. character(-s) i hate the most and why: I don’t think I outright hate any characters in this series outside the narrative sense? There are ones I don’t understand the appeal of. There are ones I’m puzzled by. But it’s not really personal. It’s not hatred. Like, even Ted, who’s SUPER fun to hate on, is well-fitted to his role. And that’s pretty cool.

13. something i've learned from the fandom: They will make it so much worse than you could have ever imagined (both affectionate and derogatory.)

14. three tags i seek out on ao3: I don’t browse AO3! I take fic recs from friends, mostly.

15. a song i strongly associate with my otp/favourite character: Crossing the Bar for Elisabet. It’s such a melancholy song that captures that moment where she left GAIA Prime so perfectly… I can’t listen to it without thinking about her, asking her friends not to say goodbye and to take care of each other. Knowing what was coming. Gives me the sads, man.

tagging: I feel that since I stole it, I should just tell you to steal it too.

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT:

This will be short but I just absolutely love it when LO stans prove my points it’s so refreshing and satisfying for me. Mainly because I’m a sore loser and dread the feeling of being wrong (this is actually true although not in the way you’re thinking, don’t get me wrong I hate being wrong but I’m not the type to double down or insult or anything, I’ll take it and learn from it. Will I be embarrassed? Yes, will I beat myself up about it? Yes, but I’ll get over it. Most I’ll do is laugh in shock or cry in my corner) but also because it’s just so interesting to see honestly. What I mean by this is that a lot of the stans are only here for the imaginary sex scenes that we’ll never get, mainly because it’s on webtoon and the app has access to all which is why I’m always confused that they try and make it seem like webtoon is just this unheard of and adult app.

Like I’m not even being funny right now I’m pretty sure a lot of fans found this shit in middle school, maybe even lower than that so I’m not understanding why whenever we bring up the younger fans the older ones get so upset. Yes Carol, it would not look good if Rachel decided to draw full on NSFW in one of her chapters without putting into consideration the age range of her fans. But it is worrying how badly they want to watch each and every panel of how Persephone and Hades screw around, like they literally need those drawings at this point.

Speaking of the fans’ need for sexual activity, it quite literally seems to be the only thing they’re there for. Every single time I blink there’s another person commenting on how they want to see Persephone getting “pounded” or how “they want to see them fuck each other” or even more descriptive language to describe their insatiable appetite for literal porn. They don’t care for the failing storyline, plot holes, bad pacing, terrible art, mischaracterizations, and even bad character design because they will continue to eat up every single mediocre chapter LO pushes out while begging and pleading for NSFW every other episode. It’s really annoying because not everyone wants to see that shit, never in my years of reading Lore Olympus did I ever display joy or even intrigue about Persephone and Hades doing it and I’m sure there’s a bunch of other people that agree with me, I don’t give a shit if the stans get mad at me for saying this but it’s not just you in this fandom and your opinion isn’t the only one that matters.

Crazy thing is that Lore Olympus fans have been disappointed and frustrated with the lack of actual story since the stans that want sex over story scream the loudest for it. You wonder why the wedding was so rushed I’m sure those stans wanted it to be done and over with just so they could see Persephone in lingerie and Hades with another boner, they’re only here for the “spice” yet their requests are the ones implemented into the story the most. No one wants sex like they do, we don’t want fluff, we don’t want flirting, and we sure as hell didn’t want a wedding. We wanted to see a loving and passionate relationship, one that Rachel herself said that she wanted to create yet we literally get no chemistry or romance between these two that isn’t manufactured and forced. I’m tired of the perfect love story why can’t we just have a love story between the gods? If you’re not going to make it a horror retelling at least make it a bearable romantic one.

But honestly I can’t blame it all on the stans since Rachel seems to be pushing towards only wanting to make sex and fluff between them. That’s all you could really look forward to since you can’t even tell me what the real plot of this story or the message is, it’s all been lost years ago and this comic has been going on for 6 years now. There’s been no progress and nothing exciting being brought to this story for the last two seasons so really the spice is the only interesting part of Lore Olympus as a whole and it’s sad. Instead of doing fan service to the minority in your fandom you could actually salvage whatever remains of your comic by listening to your actual fans who are here for you and your work which is your story, not your ability to draw genitals.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Hello all!

So, someone sent me an ask about that "Writer truth or dare" (link to the post) and I decided to do them all like I said I would in the tags, ha. I will also answer their question directly, but I mostly just wanted to do this for fun. :-)

Answers under a read more to preserve your dashboards. :-)

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats

User Subscriptions: 128 Kudos: 10,934 Comment Threads: 1,855 Bookmarks: 3,138 Subscriptions: 1,565 Word Count: 2,133,056 Hits: 291,461

This is over 28 fics, written over the span of about 10 years, since my first published AO3 work was done in 2014 when I was 16.

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

I honestly don’t quite remember? I know that I had an idea for a Scorpius Malfoy/Rose Weasley fic while at lunch in like… 7th grade and I wrote about a chapter of it in my art notebook, but as for why or what got me to know what fanfic is, I honestly don’t remember.

🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love

I… don’t really have one? I mean, I tend to listen to my songs on one big playlist on iTunes or on YouTube, with maybe a couple of specific ones, but nothing that major. As such, I’ll just link the playlist I made for TPWP.

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

7-8 depending on the fic. If I like the chapter and it’s mostly just fine tuning that I’m doing, I like it quite a lot. But if it’s a “ugh this chapter/paragraph/sentence is awful and I don’t know how to fix it and I hate it ahhhhh” kinda thing, then I don’t like it quite as much, ha. But it is satisfying to finally realize how to fix a problem I had with a chapter, so it can be rewarding too. Thus… 7-8.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

😍🥰🙊❤️‍🩹🏳️‍🌈

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

Well, first of all if I accidentally killed someone, I likely would just turn myself in because lying would help nothing and would just make me super stressed. Second of all, I wouldn’t text a mutual, I would text my brother or my dad, ha.

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

This one is hard, because I love a lot of fanfics and authors. So, I’m just going to pass, oof.

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?

35 exactly. The same number of unread emails I have had since I was 13. Why? Because I am so used to seeing a red “35” next to my gmail account on my phone or in gmail itself, and anytime I try and get rid of those emails, I get anxious and mark them as unread again. So, technically speaking, I have 0 unread emails, since to me 36 emails would indicate that I have an unread email. Yes, I am neurotic about this kind of thing, no I don’t really care.

🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis

I don’t like tagging people… it always makes me feel awkward and anxious, so I’m gonna skip this one too. :-/

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?

Original characters. I dislike reader inserts. They feel… weird to me. No shame on people who like them! Just… not for me.

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

Uhhhh…… I mean, I don’t really know what I have and haven’t posted here before? I’m usually a fairly open person. Well, I guess I can share this, since I don’t think I’ve actually ever shared this here yet, even though I’ve been planning it for almost a year now… no idea if it technically counts as “lore,” but it’s something, ha. Anyway, next month my older brother and I are going to Japan! We’re going to be there for 2 weeks and are going to 3 different cities. I’m hoping to possibly find some Danganronpa things, though I know it’s not super mainstream anymore. Here’s hoping!

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time?

Lack of motivation or energy. Just because I have time doesn’t mean I have the will.

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual?

This one is tricky, because I don’t tend to follow people back often? Not for any reason, just it’s not something I do often. Usually, if someone asks or if they mention in tags following me for a while I’ll check their blog out and follow if I think their stuff aligns with my interests. But otherwise… not much I guess?

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

I’m going to Japan next month with my brother.

I passed my final exam that I was positive I failed, so now I’ll be able to graduate (as soon as I figure out the requirements…)

I no longer have to wake up early to do an annoying internship I didn’t like much. :-)

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?

It was a response to a mutual asking a question, since it got pretty long and writing in the Tumblr app can be iffy at times.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Nope. :-)

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I don’t tend to research weird things for my fics. I did look up all parts of a ship once, since I wrote a pirate AU a long time ago and was like “shoot… what’s this part of the ship actually called???” Not weird, but definitely interesting.

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

If there is nothing you can do in a situation, good or bad, then it’s okay to just ignore it and move on if you can. I use this advice whenever there are big global issues that I personally can’t do anything to help. Why spend my time and energy getting needlessly angry over things I can’t change, when I could focus that energy on the things I can, you know? The way that I can change the world is by helping children and encouraging them to grow. That is my life’s goal and my biggest desire in life. I’d rather spend my time and energy on getting my degree, and then later getting a job as a school counselor. I’m not good with anger. I don’t like being angry. So… I just ignore it as best I can. Like, I’ll be informed on what is happening, but I don’t get angry or obsess over it, you know? And it doesn’t make me a bad person, and if anyone thinks it does, then I legit don’t care. It’s my life, and I know how obsessive I can get over things, and I don’t want to ruin my life over things I can’t change. I don’t have the temperament to be an activist. I’m too mild emotionally speaking. So… yeah. I hope that makes sense, ha.

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

I either have already written my dream themes/plots, or I’ve thought about them in enough detail to know exactly how they’ll go, which is good enough for me. And I personally think that I would write it best. I know my own tastes and I would rather write something myself than ask it of something else, you know?

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Just give it time. Don’t force it. If you force it, your work will not be your best, which will frustrate you more and add to the writer’s block. For me, inspiration and desire to write comes in waves. Some weeks/months I’m super creative and write a ton (I’ve written two 375k+ fics in a month and a half each, for example). Other weeks/months it feels like every word I write is like pulling teeth. If I try and force myself to write during the latter times, then I get frustrated and it leads me to hate writing, which leads to those times lasting longer. Every time I’ve waited it out, however, I am able to come back to writing fresh and wanting to write. So… just wait. Have patience. Unless you’re a professional writer with a professional deadline, you don’t have to rush it.

��� ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh

Can’t think of one on the top of my head.

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I like all comments, but my favorite are the long ones where people point out things that I wrote in chapter they liked, they theorize where things will go next, or they ask questions. Honestly, I love it when people ask questions, since I love rambling about my work, ha.  

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

No. :-)

🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told?

I mean, it depends on what you mean by “lie” and by “a lot.” Because I will tell white lies or half-truths on occasion. Less now than when I was younger, but if it will get me out of trouble or if it will smooth things over, I will tell white lies. Big lies I don’t tend to do, though. It’s only things that don’t really matter one way or the other but make my life easier. Otherwise, I am fairly honest and I prefer honesty. I’ve found that people are much more likely to be forgiving if you’re like “yeah, I messed up, I’m genuinely sorry.”

This all being said, I did tell a huge, very elaborate lie to the children at work recently, ha. Basically, I went to Ireland in 2019, and when I started working at my current after school site, I mentioned to a kid offhanded that I met a leprechaun there and became friends with him. I meant it as like... a joke, you know? But the kid fully believed me and was so excited. She asked if the leprechaun would come visit for St. Patrick’s day, and I was like “uhhhhh yeah?” So, from then on, I have had to not only keep up this lie but expand it. Last year my “leprechaun friend” got married. This year, he had twins. I communicate with my leprechaun friend via letters that I translate (badly, I tell the kids) into Irish, and he replies with letters written in “ancient Irish.” The kids absolutely LOVE it. I have no idea if they all believe me, but even the fourth and fifth graders are super into it, and even if they don’t believe me, they don’t let it show.

Last year I had the children write my leprechaun friend letters, which they (badly. VERY BADLY) translated into Irish and wrote on a paper, which my “leprechaun friend” had to painstakingly translate and then write a response to over 7 different children. Then “he” had to make the paper looks old and worn, since it would be suspicious if a thousands year old creature wrote on crisp white printer paper. It was. Not fun. So, my “leprechaun friend” refused to write them letters this year, since a student last year (no, of course I don’t know who, and even if I knew I wouldn’t tell you, stop being so nosy child) showed their letter to someone they weren’t supposed to and my “leprechaun friend” was unhappy, since “he” specifically told me to tell them not to do this.

Yeah. It’s, uh. It’s getting a bit much. Every time a kid asks a new question, I have to quickly come up with a lie. And I’m like… a good liar, right? But dang is it a lot. 😅(Also I don’t feel too bad about lying, since it’s less lying and more making believe, you know? And I hope that when the kids look back, they won’t think “oh my god my after school teacher lied to me for years!!!” and they will think “Oh wow. My after school teacher spent so much time and effort creating an elaborate story for us because she genuinely cared about us.” Or something like that, ha.)

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

Nothing really? Not anything bad or major, at least. I mean, I’ve been thinking about the end of my grad program a lot, but not in a bad way.

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?

I mean… yeah? Lots of media? That’s what fanfic is, it’s writing inspired by various media. If you mean, like… writing style, then no. I just write how I think (as shown above with my leprechaun friend rant, ha). It’s why my work has a lot of ellipses and introspection and random details that aren’t really important, but add to the vibe of the scene, you know?

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

I’m a bit weak when it comes to plot. Like, anything more advanced than “character A likes character B but is all conflicted over it” is a struggle for me. The few fics I wrote that actually have plot always go off the rails at some point, since I always go too big and get stuck. It’s one reason why all my fics are very same-y and follow similar troupes. But honestly? I don’t really care. I like writing similar fics with different environments with simple plots. I much prefer exploring the characters and their motivations and their emotions than focusing on plot.

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

Depends on the surprise.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

Ha, I did this last night when I first saw this post, here you go:

“That makes it easy to ignore them and just enjoy everything else.

Once the group exits the elevator, they collectively pause for a moment, taking in the sight before them. And, honestly, Mondo gets it. He’s never been one for fancy as fuck surroundings, preferring simple shit and small luxuries over anything stupidly elaborate. But this…? He’s gotta admit. /This/ is fucking nice.”

Have fun trying to figure out the context of this. :-)

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

When I was, like… thirteen or fourteen I created a Facebook page for A Very Potter Musical/Sequel, entitled Red Vines, What the Hell Can’t They Do? (A quote from one of the Potter musicals). Since I was a Draco fan, my “Admin name” was ~Draco. But once I added more admins to help me run the page, I decided to make my own Admin page, since that was very popular back in the day. I didn’t want to just be ~Draco, though. Honestly, I don’t know if I was allowed to be, since it’s not exactly a unique page name. So, I changed it to Draco the Death Eater. A couple weeks or so later I saw a Draco themed cupcake and though “!!! I WANNA BE A CUPCAKE!!!” since I was like. Twelve. And overly excitable.

I thought “Draco the Cupcake” looked weird though, so I added back the Death Eater element and settled on “Draco the Death Eating Cupcake.” Then I began using my Admin page a lot more and got over 200 likes, which back then meant you couldn’t change your page name again, so I was kinda stuck as “Draco the Death Eating Cupcake.” I didn’t mind though. I kinda liked the name. Ever since, it’s been kinda my thing, using it over various websites and whatnot. It’s “my brand” I guess you could say. Even though I’m very anti J.K. Rowling, I do harbor some nostalgic affection for Harry Potter, and I refuse to let her steal something I’ve built for myself over the past decade and a half, you know?

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

Ah, this is another one I don’t really want to do. Like I said earlier, I don’t like tagging people in general, but I also don’t like singling out “biggest supporters” for the same reason I don’t like having “favorite” people. It just feels icky to me, you know? Because everyone who supports me, no matter how small, means so, so much to me. You could be here every single day, following me and screaming my praises, or you could give me a single “I like your work!” and it means the world to me. And that’s not to downplay the more vocal supporters! You all know who you are, and I hope you know how very honored I am to have your support. I don’t like singling people out, though, since A) it’s sometimes awkward for the person who is begin singled out and B) it might make other supporters who I either didn’t mention or forgot to mention or who aren’t quite as big feel bad, which I don’t want to do. It’s the same thing I say whenever the kids at work ask me who my favorite is. I always reply “no one. I don’t have a favorite student since I like you all in different ways. Yes, even the more challenging ones.”

That all being said… to everyone who has ever supported me, big or small, I really do appreciate you so, so much. When I started writing at 13, I was so incredibly critical of my work, and a lot of the comments I got back then were “con crit” that just made me feel worse, even if it was genuinely constructive. I struggled with “show, don’t tell” a lot and it frustrated the hell out of me because I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. Even now, when I am so much better at writing and don’t feel ashamed admitting that, I still feel that anxiety of not being good enough. Of not knowing enough. So, to have people not only enjoy my work, but be so supportive? It genuinely means the world to me. So… thank you.

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

Yep! I have two little fluff buckets, Rosie and Addle (Adelaide for long). They are guinea pigs and they are very cute and very dumb. :-)

The first two I took today, the other three on previous days. It's them chilling in their hay box we give them, ha. They love climbing in their and kicking the other one out. They... don't like each other much. They don't fight, but they also don't really interact except to try and steal the other's food (which is what's happening in the top photo, ha). Addle is the brown-ish, black, and white colored one, while Rosie is the black and white one. Rosie is five and Addle is three. Rosie used to have an original cage mate, Sara, but she sadly passed after a quick illness that started on Thanksgiving in 2021, since we couldn't get her to a vet thanks to the holiday. It was very sad and I still miss Sars. :-( She was such a little sweetie.

For reference, Sara:

RIP little girl... :-(

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

Ehhhh I’m too tired to go looking for fanart I like, so I say no for now.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

If it’s first person POV. I don’t know why, but first person POV in fanfiction always bothers me, and only in very rare instances have I read first person POV fics. More often than not I immediately back out and move on. Again, no shame to people who like first person, but it’s just never been my cup of tea.

[sagedbelladonna]

Give

𝔓𝔬𝔢𝔪 𝔟𝔶: 𝔜𝔬𝔲𝔯𝔰 𝔗𝔯𝔲����𝔶 ⏁ 𝔅𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔰 𝔄𝔯𝔪𝔬𝔰

I give.

Will you get it?

I worked my way up to the top

this is my ride

I’ve got my blood, sweat and tears to mop

but also to hide

I am not who you think I am

I want you to know I am not like that

I don’t treat my illness like show & tell

I vitally hide like a bat

I best run solo for now

I best not be acknowledged

It’s best to not let it be a how

and let it be less if you expect it

But you’re already doing that

and yet

I give.

I get a second opinion about you

there are times where I’m not blind

and if I am revived at times

will you continue to leave me behind?

Everyday you accompany me

and I cherish you with hugs that are warm

I’m a committer so I’m willing to grant

isolation being my reward, to myself I mourn

It took days for me to trust what we are

Yet I look into your looking glass

and instead of love, I see my scars

Even while I suffer

even while I hurt

while I writhe, while I ache

I still give.

Do you get it? No? 

I give, I get nothing from you

No cherishment, loyalty

But I don’t care because I still love you

And I want you to know that I hate it

I show my rage by crying until my gums ache like heath

With the burning passion and urge inside me

I want to rip your bitterness out with my teeth

You will become stiff and stare at me

while I scream and rip your curtains off my windows

I’ll watch your book cover burn with the trash

from the flames that you ignited around my gallows

Yet when my thoughts could help the pain

It doesn’t and it builds up

My gums will remain to stay the same

and you would continue to cut

I love you, but you don’t understand me

You don’t understand my feelings

You don’t understand what I want to be

and you’ll never understand why I give

You say I need to stop overthinking

but you are the one who makes me overthink

And I’m right with how I see your acting

that even you know it makes me sink

Yet you don’t care

You’re apathetic and it makes me sick

It cuts my stems willingly

And you just peel streaks off of my petals

As if they’re satisfactory

Are you satisfied?

Are you proud?

Are you relieved?

While I’m trapped in your crowd

that you can’t see my misery?

you throw coal on my walls

once I became your art

and I’m bruised

you tell me life isn’t that hard

I can't say this

I can’t do that

Your rotten, no endurance

I go back to black

But I swim in its obsidian pools

and I dance through its halls

While you drown in what I give

as your summer dies to my fall

I gave

You got it

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary,

My dad pressured me the other day about career/school, because I don’t know what I want to do after school. He wants me to go to some sort of technical school or I dunno, get some sort of education so I’m not stuck making minimum wage. But no field really sounds good to me. Everything, all of my options just sound miserable. I’m scared to even find a career in writing or art because I know people will have expectations for me and when that happens I’m stuck fearing that I won’t satisfy anyone. I’m not really a magic machine that can write and or create the best piece of fiction ever out of thin air. I mean I guess that’s sort of how it works, but on short notice I should say. Everything that comes to me just comes to me on its own, and I take forever to actually get it down on paper. I’m not even anywhere near done my novel that I started like 2 months ago.

In other news, my mom bought a house (well it’s more of a mortgage), and it’s going to be ready to be moved into soon. It has 3 bedrooms, one for me, my brother, and my mom (and unfortunately my ex-step dad that she got back together with for some fucking reason. God I hate that guy). My mom wants me to move back in with her and be a family again. Though she wants me to graduate high school where I’m at currently and then make the choice to come live with her. Now here is the problem, my dad is quite unaware of all of this and telling him is going to cause arguments and other discourse I don’t really wanna deal with.

My aunt told me I should do whatever I want, and not worry about pleasing or hurting others. And I think it’s something I’m gonna do. I need my own space, and it lets me live somewhere more free, and much closer to work. Where my dad lives, is quite literally out in the desert in the middle of nowhere. There’s no opportunity here, there’s no work, there’s nothing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do anything here.

I was looking at comments on an Instagram reel about people getting rejected from jobs. Like Walmart and food jobs. The basic crap. It kind of started stressing me out. I don’t plan to go to college and I don’t know what I’m going to do for money when I leave this place. I have no idea what I’m doing I’ll be honest. And I’m scared I’ll never really make enough to keep myself afloat. There’s nothing at college I even want. And the ONE thing I’m passionate about, fucking jay told me she wants to go to college and get a degree in. Ugh. Fucking great.

I’ve been having nightmares about jay. I had about 4 in a row almost. In one of them I remember driving away and driving and driving until I reached this little food area in the middle of nowhere. It had a sushi restaurant right next to a Mexican restaurant. Really weird but I stopped by and went into the Mexican restaurant. Things were peaceful for a good few minutes I think until I saw jay roll up with her stupid friends. They were going to head into the sushi restaurant but she noticed me sitting at the Mexican restaurant and decided to come in. She walked up to me and I just lost it. I grabbed her by the hair and threw her on the floor, and I started slamming her face onto the tile floor. But she wouldn’t react to it. It was if it wasn’t even hurting her. It started freaking me out and I think screamed for her to shut up because she wouldn’t stop talking. I kept slamming her head into the floor until I guess I got tired and stopped. I don’t remember how to dream ends but it was so freaky. I wanted her to stay down. She wouldn’t.

I don’t wanna see her face at school. She’s dead to me now but, I’d probably just get so angry. I’m so stressed. In other news I got a new friend group and they live really close by. Remember that boy I met at the fair in real life? He let me join his friend group and it’s been great. We voice chat together and play video games together and they make me feel included. They ask me questions, joke with me, ask for my opinion on stuff, they share stuff with me. They just make me feel like I’ve always been apart of their group. My friends at school never did that. I’ve only been hanging out with my new friends for like over a week and already it’s been a better experience than my stupid fake friend group at school.

[mitamicah]

I feel like a part of my last bit of hope threatened to die on me today

Sick leave haven’t really kept my nights free of worry - my current worry is about how I might never be good for anything and that I’ll be a burden on everybody forever

The one thing I still have that I feel I can give to the world is being creative and sharing my art

Today I hit a wall while trying to perform at an open mic. And that bit of lost control made me fear that I am losing my ability to share my art (I wasn’t satisfied with my half ass performance the month before at the same event) and so if that goes I have yet one thing less to give to the world and one bit more I am a faillure and a burden

Sorry to be a Debbie downer over here I hate to be

[freefallthoughtless]

It’s a criminal offence the life I lead

The way I cut me up to watch me bleed

The way I turn my cheek the other way like I’ve been slapped

Stinging right back into focus of what I ignored to breathe a sec

Another sunrise of drifting along the line of what I lose at dusk

I lose my breath when my body will rest

Lose the ability of surviving to see tomorrow

Thinking I’ll die right here because my body disagrees

With the way I breeze over important details of my health

So I can jump another step forward without minding the gap

And maybe I’m sick, maybe my body is screaming, maybe I need more pills, maybe I need more therapy

Maybe I need to listen instead of pushing aside

Maybe I need to mend all the patched up holes along my soul

Maybe my body needs to know we aren’t dying

I’m terrified of sleep, terrified of going without it as well

I hate my heartbeat because I’m afraid of feeling it stop

I can’t untangle any more crossed wires of my mind

So I yank at it, pull and twist and turn every mess

Until I think something might make enough sense

To pull me through to the other side of another chapter

Shove the old ones under my floorboards to collect dust

Dig them back up when it begins to hurt too much

Tears burning defiantly in my eyes because I left trauma and stress to rot

All the foundations that have endless memories and cracks

Layered upon one another from every new beginning

And every end I didn’t know how to digest

The souring of a gentle soul

The cold in a weathered heart

The clattering and cluttering of a rigid mind

The aches and stumbles of an abused body

The tethers of them all in disconnect and unrest

My eyes that look equals part lifeless and on fire

My jaw broken and hurting from endless words spoken of doom and salvation

My wrists popping and cracking from protecting my weaknesses

Defend and hold the line

A show of force in a one woman army

Crawl down the stairs and bleed out in the basement of fear

Leave the blood and rush back up to attend to the battle of wills

Insisting on life and happiness and ignoring the stench of rust and iron

The clash of roaring fires and dying embers gasping for air

Pull out another trick card, never show your hand, forget your hope

Play along in a game of dead ends and defeat

Force it to become what you want to see

Starved and hollow, run the engine on empty and force it to be enough

Run another marathon and settle the fucking score

Inch ever slower, leap even higher

Insist louder, demand intricately

Live, love, laughter

Home is where the heart is

Treat people with kindness

Be polite, don’t start fights

But never be so kind that you forget to be clever

What stares back at you sweetie? Honey or glass?

Are you satisfied with the splatter of brain cells, blood and art?

Will you make it to tomorrow?

Remember, all you have to do to rest, is to accept you die every night

That is what you created in your haste to live

A deal with death, to survive yourself

[violetlumin]

11/30/23

Hi all. This is just a little prologue for my last poem of November. It's a long one.

First, thank y'all for all the likes and follows. I honestly wasn't expecting any of this to be seen. I appreciate y'all joining me in this poem writing journey.

Today is the last day of November, and the last day of my challenge. Although I may not write a poem everyday anymore, I'll still try to write one when I feel inspired. Maybe every other day. Maybe every week. Not sure yet. However, I will be keeping this account active.

I also want to use this Tumblr to post some of my art. I've had a Wacom tablet collecting dust for years now, and I'd like to use it to finally make the stories I've cooked up in my head come to life.

Please enjoy my last poem. To be honest..... I'm not even sure if this counts as one? It's quite long, and actually the first one I wrote. I'd like to make edits, but figured I'd post it as is. I wrote it at around 2am. Bear with me.

Poem 30

Nov. 30, 2023

I grieve for people I have not yet lost

For tragedies that have not yet passed

For stories that have not yet closed

For pain that has yet to be realized

Hellbent on hurting myself before the universe has the opportunity

Maybe it's to soften the blow?

I’m simply grieving the inevitable, no?

If my fantasies are indeed more tragic that my realities

The latter cannot hurt me

If my mind can be more cruel than fate

I have nothing to fear

Night after night I dream of the worst scenarios

Obsess over what could go wrong

Fight peace

Sleep with ghosts

Weighed down by the things I’m too weak to tell you

Death looms over me

An adversary of my own construction

I’ve looked into death’s eyes

And saw nothing

Absolutely devoid of meaning

Of emotion

No love

No malice

Not as though it could distinguish the two, anyway

The thought itself is suffocating

I miss you but you’re still here

I loathe the thought of the world spinning in my absence

I may choke on my own thoughts

I’d hate to make you worry over nothing

But what if it’s not nothing this time?

What if it’s NOT nothing this time?

Your reassurance does nothing to quell my fears

It’s not rational

I know it’s not

Something awoke inside me that day

That simply cannot be put back to rest

So I lie with it

Night after night

Even our happy times are now tinged with sadness

I am consumed by the realization that this cannot last forever

That one night will be the last night you’ll rest beside me

That, try as I might, I can’t hold onto this forever

Is it selfish to ask you to stay here?

To stay chained to me forever?

To follow me for eternity?

To drown with me?

I desperately want you to make promises to me that you can’t keep

The small voice in the back of my head has become loud and incessant

I want you to have the peace I can’t seem to find

Truth is

I will never be satisfied

No matter the amount of time I cherish with you

I’ll be bitter over the time missed

Ten days

Ten years

Ten decades

It makes no difference to me

Anything less than an eternity is a slight

So I soak in my bitterness

Night after night

I ache thinking of what you’d do

If I left this realm before you

How your feeling for me may fade

How one day you’ll seldom think of me

How the void I left may one day be filled

How you may one day forget how I made you complete

How many true loves can you have in one lifetime?

For my own sake

I hope to God

It’s only one

May no one else ever pour into your well

I admit

I hope you suffer in my absence

I hope my memory consumes you

I hope my ghost haunts you

That our paths end at the same point

That you may never quite reach the peaks you did with me

That you can be content, but never truly happy again

That you carry me with you forever

That you act as if I’m still there

That you still love me

That you can never escape me

I don’t want you to love anyone else

The way you love me

How deranged, right?

Your love inspires me to be incredibly selfish

To want the worst for you

Because it works best for me

So I revel in my hateful thoughts

Night after night

Praying to none

That you never recognize

The darkness sat beside you

[junow-honours]

Workshop with Noel and Dan, I really enjoyed this, it was nice to just put my focus into arranging the pieces and playing around with the screwdriver. Really refreshing to not feel so stressed and uptight for once, for the Demo exhibition I think I’ll enjoy the process and display it like this. I’ve been so stuck for so long and I realise that the perfect solution was to just preoccupy myself with a task (as simple as cutting, bending, and screwing in nails), it’s so enjoyable and doesn’t need to be stressful.

Some helpful feedback came out of this too, everyone agreed that this made it easier to actually see the images because there are no tiers blocking and disrupting the view. It allows a clearer way of reading the work, and it still retains that board-game aesthetic. Focuses more on design layout.

Feels as if you can grab any piece off the wall to play with it- has this gameplay connotation. Like a ‘Selection menu’ in video games, or an inventory for boardgame collateral.

Appeals to my desire of following a logical system of arrangement, assembling puzzle pieces, a dissected diagram- why I’m really interested in medical/ autopsy diagrams and museums displays of dissections

Symmetry- artificial perfection, logic, design and packaging principles. Overall just appealing to our desire for ‘satisfying’ content on social media, like ASMR and restocking/ arranging videos, gaining a sense of control through the deliberate arrangement of things in an almost obsessive or compulsive way. I want to ‘ground’ my work (which follows a lot of ‘floaty’ concepts of fantasy and imagination etc) to reality by sticking to a methodology of logical, systematic and intentional arrangements. This is something I’ve always been interested in and this workshop helped me to realise how I can incorporate this

For some reason the feedback from this workshop enlightened me on how sci-fi esque my work is? I’ve been aware of it but I’ve never fully realised it until now for some reason. It’s probably because I have a love-hate relationship with sci-fi and I’ve never been too fond of the aesthetic, but I can’t deny that it’s a massive influence for me. I like when I get these contradictions though, and I want to move forward embracing (but also critiquing) this sci-fi aesthetic.

Totem poles

Dan and Yolunda mentioned Stardome, planetariums. Jess Johnson had a recent exhibition of her videos being played in a Stardome. Easy to book in some time to play a video there

Also really really happy that Dan and Natalie brought up how it reminded them of Renaissance and classical art and architecture, a period of art that I will forever admire and adore!! When I am working on building my worlds I am constantly thinking of my experiences in Greece and Rome, the art galleries and architecture I saw remains so influential to me, so I am very happy that it shows through! Eg, my ‘Overworld’ board: The Pantheon in Rome- embodiment of Renaissance principles of ‘ideal architecture’. The Oculus, sundial, symbolising the union of the earth and the sky, humans and gods, architecture and the cosmos. Neoclassical architecture

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

I hold myself to the highest of expectations.

If someone tells me I’ve done well, my immediate response is ‘but not as well as I could’ve done.’

I’ll never be satisfied with my art, my writing, my athletic ability.

But most of all, in my relationships with others.

I always could’ve been more polite, more accepting, a better listener, a better example, a better friend. And it gets to the point where I end up distancing myself from people because I feel like, eventually, they’re going to see me in the same way I see myself.

I have no sense of humor because what if they don’t find things like that funny? My go-to route for sharing things that I enjoy is ‘I know this is cringey but…’ or I’ll give them a short and sweet breakdown of it all, no details or anything, because what if they get bored of me? I don’t want to be boring. I can’t be boring.

And the worst thing is I justify everything. ‘Oh, she hurt me, but she’s got a mental illness. She didn’t mean it.’ ‘Oh, he insulted my religion, but my friend likes him. I’m not gonna do anything about it.’ And I hate that I do that. I hate that I rationalize everything.

At this point, I don’t know how I still have friends. I want so desperately to connect, and yet I don’t know how. And I don’t know anyone irl who’s patient enough to wait through my ‘you probably hate me’ stage to get to my ‘wow you’ve been hanging out with me for a while now, maybe you actually enjoy my company??’ stage.

Tl;dr: basically nobody I know irl follows ‘if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best’ when it comes to others.